It's Hard Work, Alex
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Can city boys even compete with the most elite agents?


"I can help with your mission, guys!" Alex the Lion said with his trademark toothy grin on full display.

"Kowalski?" Skipper eyed his comrade.

Kowalski took out a big notebook and wrote down all the pros and cons of allowing Alex to join their mission. "Sorry, Skipper, it's a no go. Too much danger."

Skipper smirked at Alex. "Let the little guys handle your zoo's big problems."

Alex roared and shoved his claw deep into a giant avocado. He pulled out the enormous pit and swallowed it whole. "I you insulting my delectably hunky manliness?" he said as he licked his claws clean of the green residue.

Rico sneezed and his own green residue flew onto Alex's stellar mane. The cranial adournment was tarnished beyond repair. It made Alex so distraught. He collapsed to the ground, burying his face in his muscular feline arm and weeping bitterly.

Private hobbled over and placed a caring wing upon the saddened ambassador of zoo politics. "It's o'right, chap. Don't have your emotions quell you."

Kowalski gasped and pulled out a missile launcher. He aimed it at Private and fired away.

Private dodged with relative ease. Then he took out a boulder from his pocket and flattened Rico with it.

"Omigosh, Rico's dead!" cried Alex.

But he wasn't. Rico had quickly burrowed into the ground right before the boulder struck. He tunneled over to Kowalski and Skipper's side and did a kung-fu pose.

"You see, Kingy," Skipper said with a scowl towards his former ally. "What we penguins deal with on a regular basis is much more dangerous than you could ever even imagine…"

Alex screamed and ran for the door, but Private used the Force to catch Alex's tail and tie him to a pile of cinder blocks.

"I have been immobilised!" cried Alex.

"Holy butterball!" shouted Skipper. "That madman's a Sith Lord!"

"Indeed," said Private. He then shipped Rey with himself and made it canon. As a staunch supporter of Reylo, Melman keeled over and died to death. Gloria held him and gave him a life-giving smoocher. Melman was revived.

Melman and Gloria got Marty and they barged into the penguin's hideout in order to rescue Alex.

Private used the Force again and put all of their butts out of commission.

"My striped bunion funions are not crack-a-lackin'!: Marty exclaimed with oozing coolness.

"That uncultured swine… Reylo for life!" roared Melman. He started shooting lasers out of his powerful giraffe nostrils.

"This is an abomination…" Private sighed. He then used the Force to levitate all the way to the North Pole.

"He wouldn't…" grunted Skipper.

"What's goin' on, homedawg?" asked Gloria gloriously.

"Private is sneaking his ugly penguin buns to the North Pole to get Santa Claus to push up his daisies!" said Skipper with anger and rage like boiling chocolate.

Kowalski got a sled and the three benevolent waterfowl hopped aboard. They flew after Private and met him in Santa's bedroom. Rico gasped when he saw Private's knife mere centimeters from Santa's holy beard.

"I shall snip and clip," said Private with mighty boss tones.

"Kowalski, analysis!" shouted Skipper as he readied his plasma blasters.

"Skipper, you need to defeat for the glory of the universe is at hand," Kowalski said with severe feelings.

"Aye," Skipper then teleported behind Private. "Nothin' personnel, kid…" He then blasted Private's massive booty.

Private's rear was deader than a hickory smoke sausage. He glared at Skipper. "I'll end you…"

Skipper roared and revealed his massive pecs and formidable six-pack. He then charged forth and delivered a chaotic piledrive into Private's evil beak face.

Private retaliated by summoning the elves to do his bidding via the mind control helmet he purchased at his local Chum Bucket.

"This can't be happening…" Kowalski shivered. He saw the Skipper's muscular definition composition was no match for the swarm of Santa's little helpers.

"This is bogus!" cried Santa as he awoke. He took a pipecleaner out from under his pillow and stabbed the helmet's weak points. The helmet blew up and Private got electrocuted by the explosion.

"Now is your chance to finish him!" Kowalski called to Skipper.

Skipper winked at Kowalski and Kowalski winked to Rico. Rico winked to Santa and Santa winked to Mrs. Claus who winked at the rest of the folks down in West Virginia.

Skipper then lunged forward and Falcon Punched Private into oblivion. Private was utterly decimated so much that he was teleported to another dimension where he exploded fifteen separate times in a nuclear blast that destroyed eighty-four multiverses.

Skipper sighed deeply, regained his composure, and slunk back into Kowalski and Rico's brotherly arms. He winked at them with two eyes at the same time. But he never unwinked his eyes.

It was a sad time indeed.

Santa bowed down to Skipper as Rico and Kowalski bawled their eyes out. All of the elves bowed as well.

Skipper was buried in New Brunswick with his favourite spoon. His eleven cattle ranches were given to charity and Kowalski assumed the role as the team's new leader.

Alex stopped by with his motley crew and gave them penguin-shaped flowers.

"I understand now," said the great lion.

Kowalski nodded with a smile and a slight tear. "I can see that our movement has shaken the ages."

Rico nodded too and went to sleep.

Then they all went to sleep. Santa stopped by that night to deliver an early Christmas to the whole world. It felt like the most righteous thing to do in honour of the fallen soldier whose heart was even bigger than Ridley's whole Smash career.

 **THE END**


End file.
